i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
