porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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