Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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