the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
