I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize