Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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