She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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