He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
