Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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