I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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