I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
