My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
