Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
