He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The power of my boobs compel you
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
