I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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