Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
