Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
