i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.