I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart