I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
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Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
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I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.