If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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