I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
