Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
