My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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