we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
