its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
