There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
