i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Alive.
So much puke
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
