I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
