I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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