ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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