you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
