I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
