We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
