I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
