Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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