Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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