All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
