It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
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If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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