Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
