a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
