I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
