This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
