You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
