I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Everclear isn't food dammit
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