I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
