apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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