I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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