Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize