I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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