I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
