thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
