Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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