The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
