yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
