Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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